Crediting this One to God!

Luke 1:13 "...your prayer has been heard."


In my last post, I was given some ominous news about both legs having a bone infarct and possibly this would be in my hips, knees and shoulder as well.  I did the obligatory MRI last week and the same doctor who had read the X-rays and told me it was osteonecrosis informed me right away that he had been mistaken.  He now said it is clearly a stress fracture and nothing more.  A follow-up X-ray of both hips showed them to be in fine shape, no bone infarcts!

That was quite a Christmas present to receive!  I have a "boot" on the left foot which closely resembles the black Ugg-like boot on my right foot so you almost cannot tell!  Says something about Ugg boots!  I am trying to stay off it as much as possible to allow it to heal since the more I am on it, the more pain there is, especially when walking.  

The fear of never healing has left though and has been replaced by new hope that I can recover, lose weight and who knows, though it would be a miracle, perhaps run again.  With that hope restored, I have begun exercising again with my T-Tapp videos.  I took a "before" photo today which I will not show you until a year from now when I get to take the wonderful "after" photo!  

We had a wonderful Christmas Eve at Community Covenant and then a surprise invite to a friend's house for dinner and fellowship.  Wasn't feeling so great so we left early and I had a stomach episode at home which I kind of felt coming on all day.  Christmas Day was so nice and quiet, together as a family at home.  The kids were way more patient then I would be at their age, waiting for us to get up, make breakfast, eat (an hour later), open one present, delightedly put that Lego set together, open another present, delightedly put that one together while Mike and I took our Christmas Nap on the sheepskin rug with the dog in front of the fire!  They never asked if they could open a present.  I would say, "Ok, I think it's time to open another present."  I think the true meaning of Christmas really stuck this year!

I just realized today that I didn't take a single photo of our Christmas celebration because of feeling physically crummy I guess.  On Christmas night, I made a huge error in judgment.  We went out with friends to our favorite Chinese restaurant, China Pavillion.  First error in judgement was going there on Christmas Day because it was slammed and the staff was completely overwhelmed!  Second lapse was when I decided to try one little bite of a seafood fried rice including one little-mini scallop.  I thought I would challenge my system to see if I truly was allergic to shellfish or if I'd "outgrown" it since it arrived only after my transplant.  I couldn't be more wrong...had a doozy of a stomach incident about four hours later.  I'm done with shellfish.  

Thank you to all of you who have sent wonderful cards, treats and presents this year and even to those who are like me and have had every intention of sending something, but haven't been able to!  Please understand that we are so late in getting these things out because of how bad I've been feeling this month.  I am working on it little by little though!  If I were a company you'd ordered from, you would be a disgruntled customer by now, but thankfully you are family and have a larger capacity for grace.

Have a Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas, Dear Ones!

I am sitting here in my messy house, alone because the kids and Mike went to Carlsbad for 4 days, and battling the ants that are packing their nests up to move inside with the daily drenching we're experiencing with the Pineapple Express.   Instead of getting busy cleaning I am going through the cards and notes I received from you all almost two years ago when I went through my bone marrow transplant.   What a blessing to remember how much I am loved and I'm once again drawing from the encouragement as I face life with disability.


As you might have heard, I was told last week that the excruciating pain which I described as feeling like my ankles are breaking, was not an ankle sprain or fracture, but a "bone infarct" -- you have heard of myocardial infarction?  It's like that but it's in the bone -- the blood supply was cut off in the bone marrow and it died, making the bones very fragile.  It's not usually in that area (ankles or at the bottom of the leg) and is suspected to be in my hips, knees and possibly shoulder.  I have to get an MRI this week and see an orthopedic surgeon, but the news is that I cannot run or jump and that dead bone does not regenerate new bone if it's pretty far gone.  In early stages of osteonecrosis, i.e. dead bone, there would be no symptoms, and they can try to remove plugs from the bone marrow to stimulate new growth.  Ouch.  I was told by my UCLA doctor that this condition is not uncommon in his patients and is usually due to the prednisone which is why they try to get you off of it as quickly as possible.  I only wish I'd known that I should have learned to live with side effects of GVHD that deal with the skin and fatigue rather than the side effects of prednisone which are so much worse!  They never give you the details until you "need to know!"  This doctor also told me to live with the pain as long as possible before getting any joint replacements (hip, knee, etc.) because at my age I'd have to get them replaced in the future since they don't last forever.  I'll also probably be on some kind of medication to prevent more bone loss.


I had to grieve for a few days because it was the first time I had to swallow the reality that I would never run again, never return to my old self, back to the glory days of those 2 years in remission where I experienced the best health of my life.  I remember the feeling of that so well thinking then that it was like a taste of the unhindered life we'll experience in Heaven someday.  I felt completely free and energetic and alive!  Well, that must have been just a wonderful gift from God to enjoy for a season, making me crave Heaven even more because that is what it will be like.  Through the few days I was grieving, I clung to the truth of Philippians 4:6-7 which says:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."


I knew he'd bring me through it and restore that peace in my heart, and I told myself that even as I cried through the pain.  Sure enough within three to four days I was not only at peace about it, but over the next week the calling on my life to share the hope I have in Christ has been renewed.  He has allowed me to share in the sufferings of Christ and I want it to be used by God to bring others to His glory through it.


Now, I turn back to these wonderful cards, and would like to share some of the encouragement I received...


A friend writes that she prays the power of our God and His name will encourage me:
El Elyon - "The God Most High" He is the Sovereign God
Elohim - "The All-Powerful One, Creator"
El Roi - "The God Who Sees Me" God sees us in all our circumstances
El Shaddai - "The All-Sufficient One"
Jehovah Rapha - "The Lord Who Heals" He heals physically, spiritually and emotionally.
Jehovah Shammah - "The Lord is My Companion"
El Olam - "The Everlasting God"
Jehovah Rohi - "The Lord is My Shepherd" - God takes care of us.
Jehovah - Jireh - "The Lord will Provide"
Jehovah or YHWH - "I Am" - He never changes; His promises never fail


Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everalsting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth neither faints nor is weary.  His understanding is unsearchable.  He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength...those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles.  They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.


May God answer all the prayers that have been said for you by giving you new strength, health, and all His blessings.

Have a Merry Christmas!

Initial Fundraising Goal Achieved!

I just received a package from my mom last weekend.  In it was the final checks which totaled over $4300 from the fundraiser she organized with friends in Bailey, CO at the end of June!  I was amazed at the generosity of that little town of Bailey, CO.  They put on an aerobics-marathon with some ladies, even an "elderly" woman working out for 5 hours straight!  No kidding, how did she do that?  So they were sponsored for the time they worked out.  They also had a bake sale because they obviously needed the extra calories that day!  :)  They had t-shirts made and had a dozen or more local sponsors!  They ALSO had a bike rally that ended with some raffle drawings at The Crossroads Bar & Grill which supported us with 10% of their proceeds.   Two local papers ran stories on it and it was a real success!  Amazing!  Such a blessing...

Here's the Thank You note I sent to the folks of Bailey who came out.  Glen Moses, my mom's husband, put a nice brochure together which included our photo, this letter and the summary of the event for everyone, and even had it framed as a gift for the sponsors.  Thanks, Glen!


July 7, 2010

Dear Mom,

Please pass along this note of thanks to all the wonderful people who volunteered
so much time, talent, and money to support our family. I never knew what a special
community you have there until now. These folks, while friends to you, are strangers
to me, but miles and unfamiliarity were not blockades to their kindness and generosity.

Those who know you obviously love you, those who don’t know you must love
their fellow community member or fellow man in general. That says a lot about a town.
I too have found a lot of local support and love from my own hometown of Santa Barbara
in the form of meals, childcare, and services like cleaning, organizing and mowing our
lawn. I know Santa Barbara has a few sister cities, but I wonder if Bailey could be added
as a sister city of Santa Barbara. I am going to look into how that works through the
Chamber or Mayor’s office, but if nothing comes of it, Bailey will now be a sister city in
my heart.

My appreciation for what you’ve done for us is so much greater than any
thank you note can express so I’ll close for now. I look forward to visiting Bailey
in the future and giving you all big hugs, each and every one of you - I mean that!

Love,
Krista
(for the English Family)

So, our initial fundraising goal was achieved.  That redeems what set us back a bit.  Our continual monthly medical expenses for recovery continue and average $500-600.  Thank you for your support!  Even if you haven't given or are able to your prayers mean SO much!

After a Long Absence...

Now that the requests are coming in from all directions, it’s finally time to update you! It’s been long while since the last update for three reasons. First, back in November my doctor had reduced and taken me off of prednisone (a steroid that I took to keep GVHD (graft vs. host disease) at bay. It suppressed my immune system so that it wouldn’t attack my own body; Well, stopping the steroid caused the GVHD to get stronger. If you saw me during that time, my skin was so flaky that I couldn’t see through my glasses for all the snow! GVHD affects the skin on my eyelids, nose, face head and hands and anywhere skin meets skin at a crease. It is dry, red, stinging, and flaky. The skin will wrinkle before your very eyes as GVHD waxes and wanes. Lately on my hands it’s been actually separating causing little cuts all over. Ouch!

As I stayed off the steroid through the holidays, things got worse. I had a cough that would choke me just above the collar bone, so badly that I couldn’t breathe and ended up in the ER once because of it.  They called it bronchitis at the time, gave me cough syrup with codeine and an inhaler for the asthma part of it, but it never got better, only worse over the course of 3 months.  I would have the coughing attack daily, worse when I spoke for very long, and worse at night.  Daily or at least every other day I was throwing up from the out-of-control coughing.  They tested me for every virus out there and pneumonia too, but nothing ever showed up to explain it.  After ruling everything out, finally my doctor informed me that it was graft-vs-host again attacking my stomach this time causing the gasses from the gastric acids (say that 10 times fast) floating up and burning that place above my collar bone causing me to cough and gag and expel my dinner.  Easy solution though.  Back on steroids at 20 mg and double my Protonix.  Within 2 days I was almost 100% back to normal.  No more coughing, no more vomiting, regained my appetite and had super energy (love that!)  And bonus, all my horrible skin problems cleared up! 

Two weeks later the doctors want to start weaning me back down off the steroids because you don’t want to live on them long term.  It’s not a healthy way of getting your energy either even though I’m loving it.  So at 15 mg. I noticed right away the GVHD returning to attack my skin.  One problem is the weather has been so nice and I’ve had a ton of energy causing me to be in the sun too much (even 5 min. without protection is too much) and causing me to overdo it because of all this energy!  Both those things cause the GVHD to flare and combined with a reduction in the steroid dose I notice it.

The skin separating is the most painful and annoying thing, so I called my doctor one day to ask him about it and he informed me that I am going to have chronic Graft-vs-Host the rest of my life so I need to learn to tolerate some level of symptoms that are not life-threatening.  That’s a bummer, but a challenge I’m willing to endure while calling on the Lord for healing and restoration.

So being completely exhausted and sick (non-contagious) non-stop November through January was the first reason I couldn’t bring myself to blog.  The second reason is I’ve been living like never before!  Well, living like a normal active person as before anyway.

The third reason is a by-product of the second.  Because I’ve been living a full life, there have been SO many happenings, so much to tell you, so many amazing touches from God in our life I could hardly keep up on all of it to share with you.  I try to do a little through Facebook so if you are not a friend of mine yet on FB please add me so you can keep up and see all the wonderful photos I’ve been posting of life through these more energetic eyes.  It’s been a lot of fun to get back into photography, taking photos everyday and sharing the good ones.

In order to not bog down the blog with one giant novel, story after story of God’s amazing love, I will have to do a series of blogs – challenging myself to a daily blog again.  But give me some grace while my mom is here visiting starting tomorrow.  I’ll try to blog every other day for the next week while she’s here.  

Next post will be most interesting as I reveal the photo of me from 1 year ago (around Valentine’s Day actually) and show you a photo from today…shockingly different!  Until then, be at peace and know that God loves you no matter what your situation!  He really does.  Just turn to Him and ask Him to show you Himself today!

The reason I blog…

Colossians 2:1-3

I want you to know how much I am struggling for you and for those at Laodicea, and for all who have not met me personally. My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

What is Critical Illness Polyneuropathy?

Now I know the reason for all the weakness I've had and why I've hit that plateau over the summer. I seemed to be recovering with leaps and bounds in the spring through mid-July then wham! I hit that wall. Since then I've struggled with stiffness, lack of feeling in my feet and hands and muscle weakness. All of this increases with fatigue and the length of time I've been standing, walking or even sitting!

As a result of the numbness I have taken a couple falls because I didn't realize my feet and bottom of my leg had no feeling when I got up quickly to answer the door or chase after an animal. Dr. Schiller at UCLA suggested that I see a neurologist about it. I was slow about doing so and then I started getting migraines once a week. After experimenting, I'm attributing the migraines to a side effect of the medication which I take twice a week. Changing the days I take it to days when I am not under a lot of stress with driving to and fro has really helped, but it was the migraines that led me to call and schedule that neurology appointment with my old (meaning former) neurologist, Dr. Delio. He's so great! He remembered me, every detail from how we first met eight years ago when he suspected I had lupus (which he was right) to my first time with leukemia three years ago.

After hearing what my transplant experience was -- from the multiple organ failure and coma to the long stay in ICU and the hospital in general -- he put me on the table to do some tests on my nerve function. First he tested my muscle strength by doing resistance pushing against my legs, feet and hands. Then he took the sharp end of a safety pin and proceeded to stab me with it several times starting at the tips of my fingers and moving up my arm. Didn't hurt a bit. Could hardly feel it even up my arm. Then he did the same with my toes up to my ankles. Couldn't feel it, but when it got to my ankles it hurt which is probably how you would feel if you felt that prick on your toes. So I was pretty numb in my toes and feet and hands and arms. Next he took a 2-pronged "boingggg" fork to see if I could feel the buzzing made by the "boingggg" when he hit the fork and it kept ringing. He put that up to my knee which was overly sensitive and to my feet which I couldn't feel - very strange! Next he put the other end of the fork on my foot and asked if it was cold, but I couldn't even feel it. Then he showed me how cold it was on a part that can feel it! Brrrr... Then he tested my reflexes. Doctors always do that so quickly I don't know what they find.

Dr. Delio pronounced that he was pretty sure I have "Critical Illness Polyneuropathy" with leg weakness. It will take a year to recover from this. Doctors aren't sure the cause exactly, but it happens to patients who are critically ill who have organ failure and have been in the ICU awhile or the hospital a long time. It could be medication-related or from the sepsis that occured or the cytokines from the inflammatory process during that time that crosses the blood-nerve barrier or something like that. At any rate, when you're that sick the nerves get sick too. It's like an infection of the nerves. That's how Dr. Delio put it. He's also testing my B12 and Folic Acid levels to rule out another cause for my neuropathy, but was pretty sure he's got it right.

I asked if it's too late to repair the damage, and the verdict is that the sooner I were to start treatment the better, but it's never too late to make progress. So, as soon as possible I'll begin neurology-based (as opposed to sports medicine-based) physical therapy twice a week for six weeks initially. I asked him, "So just moving around the house, standing to cook dinner, and things like that won't help me get better?" He confirmed that indeed I need rehabilitation for this kind of problem. Since summer, I've wondered why I couldn't seem to get better and why I couldn't stand or walk for more than 10 min, and will I feel like an elderly person for the rest of my life (and if so, what will I feel like when I'm truly elderly!?) It sure is nice to know that I can get physical therapy now without wondering if I really need it. Until now I thought of it more as a luxury. I mean c'mon! They have a swimming pool and everything! I know God will provide all we need so I'm not going to worry about the added expense of yet another treatment. Please pray for His timely provision as well as healing for my nerves and muscle strength. Thank you!

Quick UCLA update as well: I had my monthly check-up last Friday at Dr. Schiller's. I was disappointed at first because he'd passed me off to his nurse practitioner. But she was good enough that I got over that pretty quick. I have a LOT invested at UCLA and want my money's worth if you know what I mean! So the good news was that my bloodwork was good, no infections showing which was confirmation that the antibiotics had been sufficient in knocking out my kidney infection from a couple weeks prior. I also have been on Tamiflu since Friday because Adam came down with a fever, runny nose, aches, fatigue, headache and eventually cough. Dr. Schiller prescribed it for me as a preventative.

During my time there, low and behold, who should come see me and Mike, but Russ Busby, an old chum from high school whom I've reconnected with via Facebook over the last year. I went to high school in Chantilly, Virginia and he was visiting Los Angeles over the past few weeks. After having followed our blog, and because of the miracle of Facebook, (yes miracle!) Russ visited me and got to meet Mike for the first time. We were able to catch up a bit, give hugs and even pray together before he had to leave. I love Facebook!



After my appointment was finished, we headed home, but first we called our dear friends Gene and Jeannie, parents to our dearest friends from Colorado Springs, Lisa and Rick Weaver! Gene and Jeannie live in the most amazing house in Westwood right next to UCLA. They opened their home to Mike and his mom during my time at the hospital for anything they needed, laundry, food, a shower, a place to stay. They are very hospitable and giving people. I am so blessed to know them! It was my second time visiting their home myself, but the first time I was able to climb their steps into their home! We had stopped there on my way home from UCLA the very first time I was discharged in March, and I couldn't walk yet and the stairs were too steep to attempt. This time I got to enjoy their lovely home from inside and spent a good hour getting to know these wonderful people. Gene is a crack up with all the practical joke stories we got to hear. I'll share them with you if you ask me personally, but I'm not blabbing them on the internet for everyone which I'm sure Gene will appreciate! Thanks Lisa for sharing your dad and stepmom, and we can't wait to see you when you visit Coronado!

I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving this year. We'll be spending the holiday with Mike's parents in Carlsbad. Lord-willing we'll also be visiting with Lisa and Rick in Coronado. We are thankful for every day and I am putting together a gratitude journal of 1000 things to be thankful for - from the obvious to the small - especially focusing on redeeming the ugly in life by being thankful anyway. For example. #1 fallen leaves, #2 scribbled on white boards, #3 fingerprints on windows, etc. Now, you try. And the reason for my gratitude for things that don't seem so great at the time? It's based on John 13:7, which reads, "Jesus replied, 'You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.'"

Another new tradition we're doing this year is a Thanks-Giving Tree (Click here, but come back) From that blog, I downloaded a template of a tree to print out on cardstock and colored leaves of different kinds to print out. Each person will have his own tree. Each day we'll write one thing we're thankful for today and on another leaf one thing we gave of ourselves to someone else. At the end of the month there will be a whole tree of ThanksGiving which we'll all read to each other.

What are some traditions you'll be incorporating into your celebration this year? Comment below.

Here's the verse for today's blog. I thought it appropriate to illustrate to whom we are to show true thankfulness, true THANKSGIVING! As a certfied foodie, I confess that in the past I have lusted after many a Thanksgiving dinner. When you are carving into your turkey this year, will it be the prayer of thanks that is motivating you or the greed of the feast?

Luke 17:11-19

Ten Healed of Leprosy

Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance and called out in a loud voice, "Jesus, Master, have pity on us!"

When he saw them, he said, "Go, show yourselves to the priests." And as they went, they were cleansed.

One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus' feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.

Jesus asked, "Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?" Then he said to him, "Rise and go; your faith has made you well."

No Such Thing As Normal

It's that time again...one month since I last wrote! No news is good news, right? We went to UCLA last Friday for another quick and uneventful appointment. My numbers are good, though I don't know why my platelets are hovering lower than normal last 2 months at 130,000. I'd like it to be at least 150,000. The doctor doesn't seem concerned by it at all stating that those numbers fluctuate greatly and it's not that far off, but still...I guess it's the perfectionist in me that wants to be in the normal range!

Life is settling in now that school and soccer are underway. The Fall chill is finally upon us! We've already had one family outing to Lane Farms pumpkin patch which lies a stone's throw from our house (though we have to walk around the one row of houses to get there since going through our neighbor's backyard & secret Lane Farms entrance just isn't cool.) Really looking forward to Christmas when we take nightly walks to enjoy the old-fashioned Christmas ambience & all the joy that is just milling about as people pick out their tree. Enjoy the pics from yesterday's excursion! (See all the pics on Facebook under my photos tab and the album "October 2009.")

While the kids are at Artios Arts Academy today I've been trying to get housework done. I'm so inspired and motivated! I went for it and did quite a bit. I thought it was a lot until I sat down and looked at it--one would never know I did anything! My body feels like I worked for 6 hours straight, but in reality not much got accomplished. Sure I folded and put away 3 loads of laundry, picked up, swept & vacuumed, and wiped down the table, but my mother-in-law could do that in 20 min and still change sheets, pull weeds and trim bushes for another 3 hours! And she's 69 or 70! These are the things I wrestle with the most these days: my limitations, feeling like I don't measure up b/c I can't do it all, as well as the physical stuff of medication side effects, nerve damage (my feet especially hurt with this and also when I look down I get a jolt of buzzing electricty from my neck down to my toes which is really uncomfortable), and GVHD (Graft vs. Host Disease). So those are all things you prayer warriors can be praying about this month!

Today I realized something that might be a cause of the frustration I've had periodically throughout my recovery so far. All this time, I've been treating the bone marrow transplant like it was a temporary inconvenience, as if I'll get this thing done and get back to my normal life. Problem is I didn't take into consideration that life will never be the same. There is no old normal life to get back to...I've been fighting giving up of my old self, my old plans, my old dreams. I really need to focus on the Lord more and let His ways become my own--no more fighting! Living in the now is what's most important. Being present. I may never get back to "normal" (at least that is how it feels to me.) Is suffering my ministry? I think it might be, at least for now. I will try my best not to complain anymore! I gladly receive all of this and give it up for the sake of knowing Christ and the power of His resurrection more.

The following is my life verse and was written in an inscription in the first Bible I was given by a family who was sharing with me when I was not a believer in my need for a savior. Charlie wrote, "My prayer for you is that you may know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Within 4 months I had moved across the country and God spoke to me in very powerful ways, both supernaturally and through that Bible! I accepted Christ in September of 1992. Who knew at that time how meaningful these verses were to become to me. I've copied the verse in it's context below. So Charlie's prayer for me in 1992 is my prayer for you today!

Philippians 3:7-11

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

To Be Glad of Life, (plus a humble request)

I thought I'd take the time to update you about my regular check-up I had at UCLA on Friday since so many are curious about how it went. Two hours down with no traffic until we hit the Wilshire Blvd. off-ramp due to the September 11 memorial festivities that were happening at the nearby veteran's cemetery. Only 15 minutes late because of it, I was able to sit and do my devotional while I waited for my name to be called in for blood work. Mike had just dropped me off because we had Headband with us and they took him for a stroll through Westwood and walked around the campus a bit before heading back an hour and a half later to pick me up.

After a quick blood draw, I went back out to find my seat taken so I moved across the room to another location and finished my with the Lord and writing in my journal. Then I pulled out a cookbook, Make-a-Mix , and offered an empty seat to a lady nearby so an elder couple could sit next to each other. After a few minutes, the lady commented on the recipe book and I shared it with her thinking she was interested in food, but quickly realized she was not a foodie at all, but just wanted to talk to someone. She was there because of a mysterious illness and was feeling frustrated and nervous about it. She goes to UCLA for iron transfusions because for some reason she is unable to retain iron in her bone marrow and has suffered with this for 3 years with other doctors who remain mystified. Now she has Dr. Schiller and I know they'll figure it out - besides now I'm praying for her and God knew all about it! While we sat another young guy sat across from us and as soon as she got called in, he seemed eager to start a conversation as well. We hit it off talking about learning Japanese and other cultures. It was lively and I was disappointed it had to end when I got called into see the doctor.

The above scenario illustrates why, at this point, I decided not to get an iPod, even though Mike won a $50 gift card from his company the same day Apple came out with the latest iPod models which really tempted me. First of all, we can't afford something like that which is not absolutely essential to living, and then second, relationships. If I had an iPod, what happens, almost every time I visit the doctor's office, couldn't happen. Suddenly, I'd be unapproachable in my isolated world of music, video or gaming. Imagine all the people who would remain alone in their heartbreak or troubles that I'd be basically ignoring. I really could only use an iPod if I had car speakers for it to listen to music and podcasts, which would cost even more money. I'm not saying I'll never own an iPod, but I think I will only reconsider it when I am once again walking longer than 10 minutes or jogging again, and when we've gotten through the medical and prescription bills and property tax crisis.

I went in to get my blood pressure check (perfect), temperature (perfect) and weight (not perfect) ha--not perfect, but not bad either. My bloodwork was all normal and I only have to see him once a month now. I sat in the tiny treatment room waiting to be seen, and in walks, oh I forget his name, but he's the intern that sees me often before Dr. Schiller comes in. He interviewed me and then I heard him out in the hall filling in Dr. Schiller on what I said, minus my juicy details, all the good stuff that makes it sound much more interesting. Then I overheard Dr. Schiller remark, "Well, yes, she is doing remarkably well. Less than 10% of people who have been through what she's been through survive [liver & kidney] failure." He used bigger words - hematic failure and I forget the kidney term, renal or nephrotic? Anyway, it was just another reminder of how awesome God is and what a miraculous thing He did to keep me here, with my brain functions restored. I've been crying a lot lately about this. I'm not sure why.

I struggle with feelings of not deserving God's love for all He's done for me, while at the same time feeling a little envious of other Christians who have gone through the same thing with flying colors. I can be crying about the one and then crying about the other at the same time - bizarre! Either way, I don't get it, but I don't have to get it to know that God is an amazing God who has a wonderful plan for my life and is using all this for my good because I love Him.

I've also been struggling, (and I share these things so that you know how to pray for me), with, what I guess you could call, perfectionism. In my mind, I have all these grandiose ideas of how I need to take care of life - my family, church, friends, the home, school, exercise, eating well, etc. When I attempt to do these things I think I really need to do, I find I can't possibly do it all. It really is too much, but who doesn't feel that way? To me, this doesn't seem like too much in my mind. I'm trying to learn to be kinder to myself, but it's very hard, especially since we don't have the help we once had because I look like I've come so far and don't need help anymore. And I can't afford to hire help, so I'm feeling very blue lately that I can't get it all done. The areas I need help in are cleaning, organizing & yard/patio/garden clean-up. If you feel called to one of those areas and would like to help, I'd take you up on it! I just have a hard time calling up people and asking myself because, again, I look like I'm doing so well. Yet I've been struggling with fatigue and migraines lately and I'm trying to prepare for school starting Monday. I've also been experiencing new symptoms of neuropathy that my doctor would like me to investigate with a neurologist. My feet and lower legs go numb, as well as my elbow and other parts, but the feet is not good when it causes me to trip and fall frequently. I walk gingerly in order to prevent this, but with a tailbone injury I had a couple weeks ago, it's been hard to bend over to pick up things. This also makes it dangerous when I don't have a clear pathway!

Speaking of the tailbone injury...I forgot to tell you how I did that one. It was so hot a couple Saturdays ago, I was nearly delirious. The boys and Mike were out and ice packs weren't cutting it, so I decided to take a cold bath for the first time in my life. I turned the water on and left the room like I always do when I run a hot tub. I didn't realize the cold water comes out triple fast and when I returned that tub was overflowing! I ran in to shut it off, not seeing the 1-inch of water on the marble floor and SLIP, KABBAM, OW! I fell onto my tailbone and lower back and back then head all in one instant. My dog took off and I found him later in his kennel, head down. I told him he was not cut out to be a rescue dog after running off like that when I was screaming in pain and crying for help. Sheesh. Two weeks later and I'm still hurting and can't bend over or get up quite right.

Once we get on our new routine I think life will get easier. The kids are going to be at Artios Academy on Mondays from 8:30-3:30 so that's the day I'm planning my productive days of cleaning as well as planning, and being extra nice to me. Again if you have any time on Mondays to spare, I'd love the company and extra hands, even if for just an hour. Feel free to email me or call. Love my dear friends, yet hate to ask :(

This was so special to me I wanted to share it with you and keep it somewhere I could re-read it anytime I need the reminder! This is exactly what I've been feeling about life after nearing "the threshold" earlier this year. Take it to heart and rejoice! We have an awesome God!

To be glad of life, because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up to the stars; to be satisfied with your possessions, but not contented with yourself until you have made the best of them; to despise nothing in the world except falsehood and meanness, and to fear nothing except cowardice; to be governed by your admirations rather than by your disgusts; to covet nothing that is your neighbors' except their kindness of heart and gentleness of manners; to think seldom of your enemies, often of your friends and every day of Christ; and to spend as much time as you can with body and spirit, in God's out-of-doors--these are the little guideposts on the footpath of peace. ~Henry van Dyke

About Henry van Dyke:

Born November 10, 1852, in Germantown, Pennsylvania, and educated in theology at Brooklyn Polytechnic, Princeton, and Berlin, Henry Van Dyke worked twenty years as a minister, first in Newport, Rhode Island, from 1879 to 1883 and next in New York until 1899. His Christmas sermons, his essays, and his short stories made him a popular writer. His poems reveal a classical education as well as a common touch in matters of faith. He became Professor of English Literature at Princeton in 1900. During World War I he acted as American Minister to the Netherlands (1913-16) and then naval chaplain, for which he was awarded the Legion of Honour. He died April 10, 1933.

Colossians 1:10-14

And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, ¹¹being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully ¹²giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. ¹³For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, ¹⁴in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.